STOP Having Fun! Andy

Sad news for kids in Colorado . It seems that the game that we all remember fondly as a playground staple has been outlawed! That's right, 'tag' is illegal at this school. This heavy-handed response to kids being chased against their will is wrong in my opinion.

If you ask me, the teachers are responsible for, umm I don't know... teaching kids how to play nicely! Not just saying, "NO PLAYING!" And someone needs to tell these kids, that are "chased against their will", that they can just simply stop! If they don't run, they don't get chased... another opportunity to learn.

But they may be right. So, why stop there? I have a few suggestions for the schools:

1) No recess in schools. By age 5, kids don't need breaks in school. What they need is more math worksheets! This will prevent 98% of School injuries.
2) No pencils or pens. Lets face it, those things are sharp and could easily put an eye out! All writing should be done in dull crayon!
3) No desks or chairs in schools. Did you know that kids fall off chairs every day in this country. In a first world country like the USA, this sort of injustice should be a thing of the past. My solution is to rid schools of chairs completely. They would sit on the floor, to avoid the dangers of chairs.
4) No bag lunches. How sad is it that kids parents send them to school with unrefrigerated food? God forbid there was a room temperature ham sandwich. Parents recklessly endanger their children every day by poisoning them with botulism. All kids should have identical lunches, preferably in a purried form to reduce the risk of choking.
5) All grounds surrounding the schools shall be paved over to prevent dirt. The risk of children touching dirt is unacceptable. The children will be washed and sterilized prior to entering the complex, where they are issued padded jumpsuits, which will prevent injury from falls, bumping into things, and pointy doorknobs. And they will be issued facemasks to prevent seasonal germs from being transferred.
6) Isolated learning environment. By far the most dangerous thing facing kids these days is human interaction. Such interactions will leave lasting traces on a child. Children should not have to face conflict in any form while at school. They should be shielded from other children who way attempt to "play" or "joke" or "talk" or "rough-house" with them. The risks are too great. I propose a 3 foot by 2 foot "learning pod" for each child. Each "learning-pod" will be equipped with a video teaching screen, an air purifier, a feeding tube, and of course soft padding.
7) No grades. Aside from physical contact, nothing can harm children more then feedback about there efforts. No child should ever feel that 2+2 is not 5 if they really believe it enough. Telling a child such harsh criticism will break their spirit, and make them a danger to themselves and to society.
8) No art. Millions of children eat paste. need I say any more?
9) No Music. Music is a gateway stimulus. Music leads to toe-tapping. Toe-tapping leads to dancing. Dancing leads to falling down. Falling down leads to death. Q.E.D.